Fear

I have enroled in an online creative writing course. The first thing I have done for myself in 13 years.

I have just read through the intro of my coursemates. I have found myself to be deflated for the simple fact that others are better writers than I. They have done some serious writings from journalism, academic research articles, professional journals and book reviews. Here I am, struggling to get English spelling and grammar in check. And this is only a basic writing course. WTH?!?

Being Chinese, I grew up in a highly competitive academic culture. I was one of those students who failed in prepared exams while topped the class in spontaneous assessments. I failed to perform in high school entry exam and university entry exam. I struggled almost all subjects except chinese literature, English language and physical education. Jokes aside, I am truely one of the rare chinese who fails in mathematics.

My performance anxiety has been carried throughout adulthood although I have been mostly managing and coping relative well. It is in times like this I feel myself starting to buckle under pressure.

My brain is having a debate when I am writing this. It is not noisy, instead, rather frustrating.

I want to quit before the first assignment so nobody gets to read my dodgy writing.

Don’t quit! Readers’ comments help you to be a better writer. That’s the whole point for coursemate interaction.

How do you deal with the lukewarm comments? You know those too polite to tell you that your writing sucks? Or the perfectionists keep picking on your poorly constructed sentences? Or just heartless ‘good effort’ ones?

You are completely overthinking and freaking yourself out. Remember how to deal with overthinking?

I know! I know it may not happen (and as if it really gonna happen and people actually will be that mean) and I should dismiss the thought and not let it consume my energy. I may have great characters and plot to write. But I know they are just better writers who write stuff that makes sense to the reader.

Fear is a fucking liar and you are making no sense whatsoever…

Did you just stomp off on me? Hey….hey… I am all alone now to do this hefty thinking. I need my Pup…😔

Shining bright

There is nothing more rewarding than to see a constantly failing person succeed.

The first time we met, I still remember clearly how she came wearing defeat.

I asked an open ended question ‘What can you tell me about yourself?’
She told me she was an academic failure, extremely anxious and a snail learner.
Then I asked her ‘Who are you deep down?’
She had a long awkward pause, then…’I am a kind person always willing to help.’
I saw a sparkle in her blue eyes framed by an alabaster heart shaped face.
I probed ‘What do you think it’s standing between you and your success?’
The words fell out before she could even catch them. ‘Only if people see me instead of my disabilities.’

I shared with her my observation.
We all came with gifts and talents.
One’s disability in a different environment is a unique ability.
We are mostly ignorant to things which we don’t quite understand.
Therefore when people don’t know how to cater for your unique abilities,
they tend to reject you.
The key is to search for an environment where your gifts and talents are valued,
your ability will be seen and you will be a star.

Today I received an email from her.
She told me she has been busy using her gifts and talents
in a place everyone sees her ability to be kind and helpful.
I opened the attachment. It’s her selfie. Her blue eyes are shining bright like twinkling stars.

Eclipse

the world is never in darkness
except the brief moment of an eclipse

light never sleeps
except the brief moment of intermission

we are soaked in so much of its glory
we are actually in awe of its disappearance

we overlook so many blessings
to focus on the specks of trouble
like we speculate the blood moon

Walk away

don’t pack
another person’s life
into your suitcase
just
walk away
with
the most valuable will
to survive

the shell you lived in
was long decayed
with warm toned furniture
fluffy rugs
and distant smiles in
old photographs

don’t think about tomorrow
what you will need
tomorrow takes care of itself
take hold of today
for
you have lived on
after
the unattended emotions
the isolation from life
the false hatred of yourself

walk away
you walk away
from ruin
to
a new vista

How I came to be

I remember
they said I was a misfit child
I remember
they said I was a depressed teenager
I remember
they said I wasn’t beautiful
I remember
they said I was a people pleaser
I remember
what they said did not break me

I know
I am a unique creation
I know
I feel the weight of life and people
I know
I believe wisdom is beautiful
I know
I am quick to forgive
I know
What they said has made me whole

Colours

I love blues and greens
and the nudes in between.
The blue sky and the green hills
make everything in between neutral.
My eyes are too satisfied to notice
all the colourful butterflies.
Maybe I am just as simple minded
as the heaven and earth on grand display.

Are we that foolish?

Wouldn’t it be easier to love than to hate?
Why do we spend so much energy and amount to self destruction?
Hate eats us up from inside out.

Wouldn’t it be better to forgive and let go?
Who will take notice of our sourness other than our own taste?
Unforgiveness tastes as bitter as hell.

Wouldn’t it be wiser to give the power to the Judge?
What do we hope to achieve by staining our own hands with blood?
Judgement exposes us to the most harsh sentence.

Do we really desire to be hatful, unforgiving or judgemental?
Don’t we all know these are steep hills for the fools?

Six senses

I knew your sweet smile
I knew your celestial sound
I knew your sensual smell
I knew your subtle savour
I knew your silky skin
now that you’re gone
our fate is sealed by
the art of psychometry