Gaslighting

Hey, I want to talk with you about something.

Ok, am I in trouble?

No. Just something I am feeling and going through lately.

Alright. You want a hug or something?

I am ok for now. I feel you don’t show me you love me like you used to.

What do you mean? You are the most important person in my life.

I’ll give you some examples…(examples given)

What do you mean? You know I love you! That goes without saying.

It’s not what you said or not said. It’s your action, lack of action for a better word. I feel unloved. And I can’t work out why I know you love me but I don’t feel you love me. There’s this big descrepency.

What? You wanna be rid of me? It sounds like you are picking on me.

I want us to discuss and work through this because I love you and I want us to work out.

All I know is that you are finding fault with me. I love you. I just love you. I can’t believe that you question that.

I am not questioning. I am sharing with you how I feel. (It’s about me, not you.)

I am upset that you accused me of not acting like I love you. I think about you 24/7. Everything I do, I do for us, for our future. I can’t believe that you questioned me.

(sobbing inside)…I don’t know. That wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to talk with you like adults without damaging our relationship.

There is not much to talk about. You either love me or not. I love you and that’s a fact.

I know you love me. But that’s not what I was confused about.

What are you confusing about then? I am not rich enough to send you flowers? I am not a successful man whom you are proud of? I am not a weak man who is afraid to stand up to you?

(Tears rolling down cheeks)I don’t know. I don’t feel very well right now. I gotta go…

Pain

How come you see my pain?
Am I that obvious?

I live with pain for so long.
I recognise it like a kindred spirit.

How come you don’t show it?
You look happy.

I am happy.
I found a way to keep my pain at bay.

How come I don’t see what you see?

Perhaps you are blinded by anger.
Pain does that to us.

Love is…

Sitting in an a cappella concert
listening to love songs sung from
heartache to joy
despair to victory
hopelessness to strength

I realised love is
such an extreme emotion
that makes us
shiver, quiver
flutter, shudder
like
groosebumps on our skin
earthquake under our feet

No wonder
it takes
eruption of volcanoes
explosion of fireworks
to express
the sensation of love
in climax

Deep down

she shouted to the receptionist
threatened to hack us all in pieces
she screamed those words out
in a foreign tongue
her neck flushed with red patches
her hair had gone messy
her eyes were fueled with fire

in our shared language
I tried to de-escalate her rage by
offering her a cool drink
while clearly expressed to her
the options of
the police or the mental health team
if she was unable to cease screaming

she sat down
showed me photos of a hole
in her ceiling
and the water marks
resembling the world map
she told me
for six years
she have lived with ceiling leakage
for nine months
she haved stared at the hole
in the ceiling every night

she wept
for her man left her
the hole in the ceiling
is a constant reminder of
how her heart was broken
and it seems beyond repair

she is a tenant
complaining about
a repair and maintenance issue
she is a woman
suffering great despair
what is on the surface
is just the tip of
the iceberg

Sand

The cold coffee is keeping me company
as I sit watching the waves rolling in.

I am tired of the long nights with
an empty spot accentuated by the cool moon light.

All the heartaches exhausted my fractured mind.
My eye sockets are hollow and brittle
disregard the flirtatious breeze.

I don’t know why I am so chained up
by the past like a submissive slave.
When the master has been long gone,
I keep the pain and torture to preserve
pleasure.

I have been through tubes of smudging mascaras.
Drought became my heart’s desire and daily companion.

My ailing body no longer withstands
the changeable seaside weather.
Fine sand finds its way into
the window of my emptiness.
I cannot tell is it a rock or a precious mineral.

The irritaion imitates the pain to give pleasure.
My eyes well up and my soul returns.