Tag: Feeling

How i feel

It’s Not Meant to Be

We don’t need much encouragement to ignite a thousand fireflies.
Talking about the weather is our way to keep the ambience lukewarm.
People talk about chemistry or destiny.
Though we both know that it’s the knowing which only dreamers know; the touching which only lovers fathom.

We don’t need much encouragement to spread a wild fire.
Being silent is what we can master to mask the need.
People talk about soul mates or twin flames.
For us, it’s just two people happily know each other but never feel the need to meet.

We don’t need much encouragement to burn up heaven.
Leaving without saying goodbye is the only way that we survive from each other.
People talk about love and affair.
We know too well that we choose neither.


So it’s just like we said it would be, forever perfectly perfect.

Gaslighting

Hey, I want to talk with you about something.

Ok, am I in trouble?

No. Just something I am feeling and going through lately.

Alright. You want a hug or something?

I am ok for now. I feel you don’t show me you love me like you used to.

What do you mean? You are the most important person in my life.

I’ll give you some examples…(examples given)

What do you mean? You know I love you! That goes without saying.

It’s not what you said or not said. It’s your action, lack of action for a better word. I feel unloved. And I can’t work out why I know you love me but I don’t feel you love me. There’s this big descrepency.

What? You wanna be rid of me? It sounds like you are picking on me.

I want us to discuss and work through this because I love you and I want us to work out.

All I know is that you are finding fault with me. I love you. I just love you. I can’t believe that you question that.

I am not questioning. I am sharing with you how I feel. (It’s about me, not you.)

I am upset that you accused me of not acting like I love you. I think about you 24/7. Everything I do, I do for us, for our future. I can’t believe that you questioned me.

(sobbing inside)…I don’t know. That wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to talk with you like adults without damaging our relationship.

There is not much to talk about. You either love me or not. I love you and that’s a fact.

I know you love me. But that’s not what I was confused about.

What are you confusing about then? I am not rich enough to send you flowers? I am not a successful man whom you are proud of? I am not a weak man who is afraid to stand up to you?

(Tears rolling down cheeks)…I don’t know. I don’t feel very well right now. I gotta go…

Pain

How come you see my pain?
Am I that obvious?

I live with pain for so long.
I recognise it like a kindred spirit.

How come you don’t show it?
You look happy.

I am happy.
I found a way to keep my pain at bay.

How come I don’t see what you see?

Perhaps you are blinded by anger.
Pain does that to us.

Loss

I would never thought to
miss the kookaburra
woke me up at 5am
but I do today
along with other things
like

watching the fish swimming
in the water hyancinth filled
inground pond

reading by the crackling fire
under the shade cloth

the smell of lavender, rosemary,
basil and sage from the garden

Sunday roast
and the laughter
once a family gathering brought

although
they are not the things
made me feel like home
but today
just today
I do miss
them

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